Lessons For My Past Self
With over a combined decade of graduate school, a post-doc, and a big-girl job under my belt now, I've been thinking about what I would have said to my past self at the outset. The following ten guidelines are the result of countless noob moves, several dozen dark days, lots of good times, helpful advice, and everything in between. Not sure if it's helpful, but in the spirit of guideline #10, I'm trying to Pay It Forward.
Without further adieu...
Pace Yourself
You're at the start of what could be a multi-decade career. Right now, everything feels critically important. And while it's good to take things seriously, it's also good to use this time to form habits and boundaries that will serve you in the long run. Keeping healthy, both physically and mentally, is part of a successful career. I say this, not to add extra pressure, but to give you permission to do the things that matter to your holistic well-being, regardless of any outside criticism or judgment.
Keep Perspective
As above, it's important to understand that your career journey will be long and filled with highs and lows. Recognition of these facts gives you appropriate context for how you interpret your successes and failures in the day-to-day. Try to have patience with yourself, other people, and various situations related to your training. And if you need to step away from a situation for advice, breathing room, or therapy, do it. You have time. Also, try to view any mistakes or failures as learning opportunities that aren't tied to your self-worth. It's just work, and it's a work in progress. Finally, practice giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. You've made it this far. There's no reason to implicitly doubt your abilities.
There Are Very Few Actual Rules
As with many things in life, there's no script for this stuff. Careers are as varied and beautiful as the people who undertake them. This fact is both exciting and a bit terrifying. It's exciting because it means that your career will take a unique course that's guided by your interests, values, strengths, and connections. It's also terrifying because it means that there's very little to guide you in your everyday decisions. What you MUST do to maintain progress: abide by both the law and your department and/or workplace handbook. That's about it. There are a LOT of gaps. In theory, this is where your adviser comes in, but even they may not know how best to advise you beyond research. Remember, they're only human, and their opinion is n=1.
Unfortunately, the structural void left by the paucity of rules is often (poorly) filled by "shoulds." These are the purported must-dos that are communicated through the grapevine to inexperienced students and workers. Sometimes, these shoulds are solicited, but many times, they're thrown around in conversation by cocky members of your cohort or by more experienced employees who seek to share (boast?) their wisdom. Sometimes, these shoulds are contradictory (you shouldn't take too many classes in your first year, but also you should finish your classes as soon as possible). Sometimes, these shoulds are outdated (you should definitely make sure that your dissertation reads as a single, unbroken narrative). And sometimes, they're downright discriminatory (you should wait to start a family until you're tenured).
Shoulds are potentially dangerous because they can lead you steadily away from yourself and your goals, such that you become overly focused on what other people say you should be doing and not on who you are, what you like, and what you ought to actually be doing to make the most of (and enjoy!) your career. Yes, advice can be helpful, but beware the shoulds. They're no substitute for following the actual rules while plotting your own course in a way that is gratifying for you.
Identify Your Values; Revisit, Reconnect With, and Revise Them Often
Some free therapy: if you haven't already, Google "Identifying My Core Values" and go about paging through hundreds of value words that potentially resonate with you. I promise it will be worth it. Take the approximately twenty words that resonate, and sort them into four or five broad, named categories. These broad categories represent your core values. Typically, core values are fairly fixed, but they can change over time and/or after profound experiences. Knowing your core values, and working to shape your environment such that it aligns to your values, will alleviate stress and heartache. Core values are the antidote to "shoulds." Be proud of your values, respect them, and allow them to lead you where you need to be.
Understand That Your Values Aren't Universal (and That's OK)
Sets of core values are generally unique to individuals, as they typically reflect personality and background. And as core values often drive behavior and decision-making, they play a key role in coworker interactions, as well as the cultural tone set by workplace leaders.
Misalignment of values causes stress, especially if paired with miscommunication and/or intolerance.
Clearly, you're not responsible for the actions of others, but perhaps you can find comfort, acceptance, and even empowerment through recognizing and communicating about values. Bottom line: be as open-minded about other people's values as you hope they'd be for yours.
Shame Is Generally Unhelpful
Shame. It's a tricky thing. It can provoke needed self-reflection after a serious error. But the problem with shame is that it tends to distract from a more productive outcome. This is especially true if the shame is misplaced or disproportionate in cases of small-scale infractions (say, if you miss a deadline or blurt something boneheaded in journal club). Sensitive, smart people are highly susceptible to shame, both the self-inflicted kind and otherwise. Most dangerous is the combination of internal and external shame applied in tandem over time. If shame is the norm in which you steep, get help. No one should keep you hostage to shame. Not your peers. Not your adviser. Not yourself. Shame is the quicksand where careers (and, tragically, some people) go to die.
People Will Help You; Thank Them
This is obvious, but it's also important. Say thank you, and mean it. Keep track of names and deeds for formal acknowledgements, and also be vocal about informal acknowledgements. When it comes to gratitude, err on the side of generosity and inclusion. Oh, and don't forget to thank your friends and family.
People Will Disappoint You; Move On
This may also be obvious, but it's sometimes tough to remember. Some people will fail to meet your expectations. If they do, forgive them and, where needed, move on. Personally, for colleagues and acquaintances, I keep a three-strikes rule. Three strikes (lying, manipulating, generally being a Richard, etc.), and you're done. I feel like this gives people enough opportunities to screw up without allowing them to treat me badly. If they violate the rule, I try hard to bid them adieu and move on. The goal is to keep their toxic presence from poisoning my happy place. As I am prone to mentally reliving past injustices, this goal is a tough one, and I fail a lot. But practice helps.
Abuse Has No Place. Ever.
So, what happens if that toxic person described above is your boss or someone else with power over you? There's no ignoring them, and likely there's no advancing without their help. It's the worst possible scenario because the situation is likely complex and the outcome is almost always bad for the abused. To sit quietly and endure abuse is soul-crushing (and, hypothetically, even potentially physically or sexually dangerous). To run from the abuse may mean questions about commitment and performance. To report the abuse risks stigma, suppression, retribution, and a drawn-out and uncertain investigation process. Friend, if you're being abused or were abused, I have no clear answer here. But what I absolutely do know is that it's not your fault. And I also know that power structures only change if hard discussions are had. Certainly, you are not in any way obligated to share your story. But if it's something that would help you heal, you may end up playing an important role in exposing and changing a culture that too often fails to serve and protect the vulnerable.
Pay It Forward
Ok, phew, so, let's end on a high note. Your mission, which you should choose to accept, is to smooth the path behind you so that more people can follow and feel welcome. Be the senior student/mentor/etc. you wish you'd had. Be as woke, feminist, and supportive of LGBTQ+ as a 90's straight white girl from the 'burbs can be. Share the things that are helpful, including stories of your limitations and mistakes. Be humble. Be self-assured. Be kind. Be honest. And be free. You've earned it.
In sum, you never were, and never will be, defined by your achievements and failures. You define you. Let the peace and power of those words wash over you. In the end, while you must demonstrate competency and effort to earn your degree and secure a career, you have nothing to prove as a person. Your career is only one part of the whole of the experience you will have. Have faith in yourself, and be brave enough to chart your own course. Be patient and grateful as you and those around you navigate the challenges and uncertainties of life. Ask for help when you need it. Therapy is a good thing. And finally, take what you've learned and hand it gently down to those folks looking to you for encouragement and wisdom.
Brave one, I'm so proud of you. You are doing what you need to do to fill that hole in your heart. It won't be easy, but you will find yourself in the process. So get some damn sleep, and stop worrying so much. You've got a lot of living to do, and you'll need your strength!
Without further adieu...
Pace Yourself
You're at the start of what could be a multi-decade career. Right now, everything feels critically important. And while it's good to take things seriously, it's also good to use this time to form habits and boundaries that will serve you in the long run. Keeping healthy, both physically and mentally, is part of a successful career. I say this, not to add extra pressure, but to give you permission to do the things that matter to your holistic well-being, regardless of any outside criticism or judgment.
Keep Perspective
As above, it's important to understand that your career journey will be long and filled with highs and lows. Recognition of these facts gives you appropriate context for how you interpret your successes and failures in the day-to-day. Try to have patience with yourself, other people, and various situations related to your training. And if you need to step away from a situation for advice, breathing room, or therapy, do it. You have time. Also, try to view any mistakes or failures as learning opportunities that aren't tied to your self-worth. It's just work, and it's a work in progress. Finally, practice giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. You've made it this far. There's no reason to implicitly doubt your abilities.
There Are Very Few Actual Rules
As with many things in life, there's no script for this stuff. Careers are as varied and beautiful as the people who undertake them. This fact is both exciting and a bit terrifying. It's exciting because it means that your career will take a unique course that's guided by your interests, values, strengths, and connections. It's also terrifying because it means that there's very little to guide you in your everyday decisions. What you MUST do to maintain progress: abide by both the law and your department and/or workplace handbook. That's about it. There are a LOT of gaps. In theory, this is where your adviser comes in, but even they may not know how best to advise you beyond research. Remember, they're only human, and their opinion is n=1.
Unfortunately, the structural void left by the paucity of rules is often (poorly) filled by "shoulds." These are the purported must-dos that are communicated through the grapevine to inexperienced students and workers. Sometimes, these shoulds are solicited, but many times, they're thrown around in conversation by cocky members of your cohort or by more experienced employees who seek to share (boast?) their wisdom. Sometimes, these shoulds are contradictory (you shouldn't take too many classes in your first year, but also you should finish your classes as soon as possible). Sometimes, these shoulds are outdated (you should definitely make sure that your dissertation reads as a single, unbroken narrative). And sometimes, they're downright discriminatory (you should wait to start a family until you're tenured).
Shoulds are potentially dangerous because they can lead you steadily away from yourself and your goals, such that you become overly focused on what other people say you should be doing and not on who you are, what you like, and what you ought to actually be doing to make the most of (and enjoy!) your career. Yes, advice can be helpful, but beware the shoulds. They're no substitute for following the actual rules while plotting your own course in a way that is gratifying for you.
Identify Your Values; Revisit, Reconnect With, and Revise Them Often
Some free therapy: if you haven't already, Google "Identifying My Core Values" and go about paging through hundreds of value words that potentially resonate with you. I promise it will be worth it. Take the approximately twenty words that resonate, and sort them into four or five broad, named categories. These broad categories represent your core values. Typically, core values are fairly fixed, but they can change over time and/or after profound experiences. Knowing your core values, and working to shape your environment such that it aligns to your values, will alleviate stress and heartache. Core values are the antidote to "shoulds." Be proud of your values, respect them, and allow them to lead you where you need to be.
Understand That Your Values Aren't Universal (and That's OK)
Sets of core values are generally unique to individuals, as they typically reflect personality and background. And as core values often drive behavior and decision-making, they play a key role in coworker interactions, as well as the cultural tone set by workplace leaders.
Misalignment of values causes stress, especially if paired with miscommunication and/or intolerance.
Clearly, you're not responsible for the actions of others, but perhaps you can find comfort, acceptance, and even empowerment through recognizing and communicating about values. Bottom line: be as open-minded about other people's values as you hope they'd be for yours.
Shame Is Generally Unhelpful
Shame. It's a tricky thing. It can provoke needed self-reflection after a serious error. But the problem with shame is that it tends to distract from a more productive outcome. This is especially true if the shame is misplaced or disproportionate in cases of small-scale infractions (say, if you miss a deadline or blurt something boneheaded in journal club). Sensitive, smart people are highly susceptible to shame, both the self-inflicted kind and otherwise. Most dangerous is the combination of internal and external shame applied in tandem over time. If shame is the norm in which you steep, get help. No one should keep you hostage to shame. Not your peers. Not your adviser. Not yourself. Shame is the quicksand where careers (and, tragically, some people) go to die.
People Will Help You; Thank Them
This is obvious, but it's also important. Say thank you, and mean it. Keep track of names and deeds for formal acknowledgements, and also be vocal about informal acknowledgements. When it comes to gratitude, err on the side of generosity and inclusion. Oh, and don't forget to thank your friends and family.
People Will Disappoint You; Move On
This may also be obvious, but it's sometimes tough to remember. Some people will fail to meet your expectations. If they do, forgive them and, where needed, move on. Personally, for colleagues and acquaintances, I keep a three-strikes rule. Three strikes (lying, manipulating, generally being a Richard, etc.), and you're done. I feel like this gives people enough opportunities to screw up without allowing them to treat me badly. If they violate the rule, I try hard to bid them adieu and move on. The goal is to keep their toxic presence from poisoning my happy place. As I am prone to mentally reliving past injustices, this goal is a tough one, and I fail a lot. But practice helps.
Abuse Has No Place. Ever.
So, what happens if that toxic person described above is your boss or someone else with power over you? There's no ignoring them, and likely there's no advancing without their help. It's the worst possible scenario because the situation is likely complex and the outcome is almost always bad for the abused. To sit quietly and endure abuse is soul-crushing (and, hypothetically, even potentially physically or sexually dangerous). To run from the abuse may mean questions about commitment and performance. To report the abuse risks stigma, suppression, retribution, and a drawn-out and uncertain investigation process. Friend, if you're being abused or were abused, I have no clear answer here. But what I absolutely do know is that it's not your fault. And I also know that power structures only change if hard discussions are had. Certainly, you are not in any way obligated to share your story. But if it's something that would help you heal, you may end up playing an important role in exposing and changing a culture that too often fails to serve and protect the vulnerable.
Pay It Forward
Ok, phew, so, let's end on a high note. Your mission, which you should choose to accept, is to smooth the path behind you so that more people can follow and feel welcome. Be the senior student/mentor/etc. you wish you'd had. Be as woke, feminist, and supportive of LGBTQ+ as a 90's straight white girl from the 'burbs can be. Share the things that are helpful, including stories of your limitations and mistakes. Be humble. Be self-assured. Be kind. Be honest. And be free. You've earned it.
In sum, you never were, and never will be, defined by your achievements and failures. You define you. Let the peace and power of those words wash over you. In the end, while you must demonstrate competency and effort to earn your degree and secure a career, you have nothing to prove as a person. Your career is only one part of the whole of the experience you will have. Have faith in yourself, and be brave enough to chart your own course. Be patient and grateful as you and those around you navigate the challenges and uncertainties of life. Ask for help when you need it. Therapy is a good thing. And finally, take what you've learned and hand it gently down to those folks looking to you for encouragement and wisdom.
Brave one, I'm so proud of you. You are doing what you need to do to fill that hole in your heart. It won't be easy, but you will find yourself in the process. So get some damn sleep, and stop worrying so much. You've got a lot of living to do, and you'll need your strength!
I SOOOOOoooooo wish I'd had this when I was back in grad school! Well said and well done, Dr. Morhardt! An honor and a pleasure to know you and that you are Out There trying to help us all!
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